I know what you're feeling. You're nervous. It's
getting to the point where everyone has already done it. Gosh, Jenny
is practically a professional. You've even started getting the feeling
that your family knows. And they're disappointed. Your mom has been
eyeing your neck suspiciously, searching for the telltale mouth-inflicted
bruise. She looks almost … hopeful. It's a little creepy to
be honest. But hey, I'm not here to judge. I'm here to teach. And
you, my little grasshopper, should prepare yourself to learn,
How To Make Out.
Let's tackle some basics first. What exactly is Making Out?
What is Making Out called in other English speaking countries? Who
can Make Out? How tall do you have to be to Make Out? Do you use
your feet at all? Can I use my feet if I really want to?
Making Out is kissing.A lot. With some
tongue. But not too much! Making Out should be fun above all else.
And by fun, I mean safe. You do not want to kiss someone who does
not want to kiss you. That's called Mouth Rape and it happens far
too often. Being a victim is awful, but being a perpetrator, even
worse. So keep your tongue to yourself until you know for certain
that Myrtle is feelin' on yo booty.
0. Brush your teeth. This is Number 0 cause y'all
should be doing this on a regular basis by now. If you are consistently
practicing good hygiene and you don't have a penchant for garlic
burgers, there's no need for keeping an extra toothbrush hidden
in your lunchbox/locker/utility belt/the planter outside your crush's
door. Same goes for nasty mouth spray.
1.Make sure you have a willing partner.
Common signs of interest include: open body language (no crossed
arms), touching, prolonged eye contact and smiling, and of course,
a big clue is: they're already kissing you. If you really aren't
sure and you're feeling brave, go ahead and ask "Wanna Make
2. Be respectful. It's not nerdy to stop and ask
"are you comfortable?" It's quite sweet actually. Plus
the question is open to answers ranging from "No, this is moving
too fast for me" to "Now that you mention it, this chair
is killing me."
3. Go slow. Any experienced kisser will tell you
that there is nothing worse than going from tight lips to tonsil
hockey in .5 seconds. So move slowly. Remember you've got all the
time in the world, or at least until the end of lunch.
How do you make out?
a) Lean in slowly for first contact, let your
partner meet you, or at least, note that she/he/it is not pulling
away in disgust. Keep the tongue out of the picture at first.
Kiss with just your lips, not too firm but not lifeless either.
Soft kisses are a good way to start.
b) To take regular kissing to making out, start
by slightly parting your lips as you kiss. Introduce the tongue
slowly. Keep it relaxed but firm (not pointy). During contact,
bring your tongue to the area known as The Threshold
- this is the space where your lips are and his/her lips will
be when kissing, but by no means outside the realm of your mouth.
There is a time and place for deep kissing, (30 seconds or 30
dates from this moment, depending on your speed). Let your tongue
touch your partner's lips (and tongue if they're thinking what
you're thinking) but don't lick - they're not a push-pop.
c) After you have had success at The Threshold,
you are ready to move forward, into that great cavernous abyss
that is your partner's mouth. This kind of deep kissing, where
you are more or less sticking your tongue down another person's
throat, can be hot, but also gross. (In general, I have found
that the line between nasty and sexy is a lot thinner than any
of us want to believe.) The best way to keep on the hot side of
things is to allow for some push and pull, i.e. kiss deeply then
pull back, kiss more gently, kiss the neck, then kiss deeply again.
You don't want your mouth to become a permanent suction cup around
your partner's mouth while your tongue darts wildly around. Sorry,
I just barfed a little.
4. Find a Rhythm. You (or your partner) has introduced
tongue into the situation. You're kissing passionately and plan
to until the movie is over. Time to figure out your rhythm. You
don't want to go to fast and burn up your making-out fuel, but you
don't want to go to slow and lose momentum. So what do you do? Remember
that people have been Making Out for millennia with great success.
Don't over think it. Relax and listen to your body and
the body of your partner. Feel out the situation. This takes some
intuition, but trust me, you have it, you just need to learn to
listen to it. Also, remember that your rhythm can involve breaks.
Making Out does not have to be kissing without stopping. Take time
out to stop, smile, breathe, talk, laugh and rearrange.
5. Get Into It. Making Out is more than just sucking
face with your arms dangling lifelessly at your sides. It's much
more enjoyable for everyone involved to bring your arms and hands
into the mix. Hug and hold your partner, stroke their back or hair.
Notice I did not write Grope. DO NOT GROPE. Listen to your partner's
body language and respond accordingly.
6. Have a Sense of Humor. Don't take yourself
too seriously. Making Out is at times hot, weird, passionate, fun,
silly and awkward. Don't be afraid to laugh when you click teeth
or knock noses.
Kissing: Ladies can take charge.
Making Out - Too Aggressive
Making Out can and sometimes does lead to acts of the sexual nature.
Listen to yourself and your partner about whether this is a good
thing or not. Are you sexually active? Is your partner? Do you want
to be? Do they? With each other?
You may feel aroused or realize that your partner is aroused. This
is normal and by no means means that you NEED to do anything other
than what you are comfortable doing.
I don't care if you are 76 and a virgin and can't walk out the
door without getting condoms hurled at your face (Sorry about that,
it seemed so fun at the time), being intimate (in any way, shape,
or form) when you don't REALLY want to, is going to a drag (and
not the fun kind where you get to wear a dress). So figure out where
you and your partner stand on Making Out & BEYOND, be respectful
and be SAFE!
Making Out Controversies:
Making Out has mesmerized the masses since before Socrates and Plato
first invented "Seven Minutes in Heaven" so it's no surprise
that some debate has arisen over the years.
The first controversial topic of making out doesn't even involve
mouths, the gateway to the heart, tummy and "rumbly area,"
but the gateway to the soul, the eyes. What the hell
do I do with my eyes while making out? Shut them tight
in anticipation? Or stare lovingly into the blur that is my nearest
and dearest's face, one inch from mine? Hey, if you're old enough
to Make Out, you're old enough to decide for yourself. Some people
with tell you that you absolutely, positively, are legally and morally
bound to close your eyes while kissing. We call those people Liars.
On the other hand, have you ever watched two people kiss while looking
at each other? It's creepy.
Our second area of contention involves the Vampires, or
at least: those who bite and suck. Hickies!
And biting! Okay? Not okay? Again, hard to say. Some people like
being bitten, others do not. Give your partner a LIGHT bite and
see how they respond. (Try on your own arm first to know what is
too hard.) If your partner responds negatively, don't feel bad.
One woman's overcooked broccoli is another woman's Italian blackberry
and chocolate cheesecake.
Then there are the hickies themselves, the bruise caused by having
someone (or some vacuum cleaner) kiss and suck on one part of your
body for an extended period of time. I think the key here is that
it's very strange when someone is obviously TRYING to give you a
hickey, but if it happens, it happens. I'm going to go out on a
limb here and just say: I like hickies. I wear them proudly like
a badge of honor. But most people I talk to do not like them. And
still more people, myself included, enjoy a thoughtful hickey placed
considerately below the collar line, and therefore easily covered
Making Out - Too Passive
A Special Note
About Facial Hair I know it's been silly and cute but now it's time to get
serious. There is an epidemic on our nation's hands and I, for one,
continue to be horrified at the lack of attention paid by the media
and our elected officials. Countless women and men are needlessly
suffering due to a handful of ignorant and inconsiderate men (and
other facial hair-endowed peoples). Of course, I am referring to
Stubble Burn, the painful skin irritation and reddening of the chin
caused by making out with the not-so-freshly shaven. How hard is
it guys? Do you have a blind spot that fits perfectly over your
girlfriend's blotchy chin? Have you not noticed her obsessive moisturizing
post-Make Out? Time to wise up! Grow your beard out or shave pre-Making
Out and moisturize! Your sandpaper skin is hurting us!
Some common potholes
on the road of Making Out: 1. Don't lick your lips excessively right before
kissing. There is a time and place for slimy, disgusting Making
Out and it's not anywhere you're allowed to go for several years.
You can, however, slightly moisten your lips if they're dry as the
Sahara desert. 2. Don't be afraid to say "No," "Slow
down," or "Not on the face!" 3. Don't push too hard or go too far. 4. Don't wear lipstick or lip-gloss. Chapstick
is okay, I guess. 5. Don't make out in crowded public spaces. An
evening park bench is okay, janitor's closet is good, behind the
bleachers even better. But avoid well-lit parties, geology lectures,
the back of the car while your mom is driving, and Grand Central
at rush hour. No one likes a showoff.
Ok folks, you're ready to Make Out. Be Safe and Have Fun!